You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
