Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
