I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
