i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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