she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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