i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
