I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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