Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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