Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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