i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
