Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
should my penis look like a turkey
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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