Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
