I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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