is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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