last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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