Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
