i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
