You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
