my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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