i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
