Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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