I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
