saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
