good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
