I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
