just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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