Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
