My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
