Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
