And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
