just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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