i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
