i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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