Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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