I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
