im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
