Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The best revenge is premature balding
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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