i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
