You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
