Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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