Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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