paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
