tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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