Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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