He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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