I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
