I'm gonna have a badass scar
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
