I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
