Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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