come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
